once upon a time, i said this blog was going to be about my experience being a mom with ms. fortunately, i have had to miss very little of liam's precious little days and don't feel as though i've missed anything of the mommy experience. he has blessed me with great knowledge very quickly while never failing to surprise me. more than one person through my life has suggested i write a book-something i've easily always wanted to do. i just always pictured it in a log cabin somewhere out west on my beautiful porch writing about love. i love love-well the story book love. real love is harder, but that's another book. writing a book on a laptop in my bedroom in the middle of nowhere about children is not quite how i pictured it, but nothing in life is how you picture it. let's pretend this is a beginning to a prologue.
the only one thing i've learned for sure as a parent is that you have no idea what you're doing until you are a parent, and then it's still a crapshoot. you can say "i'd never let my kid do that", and then there you are in the grocery store with your child laying on the floor kicking and screaming while you politely smile to passers by while giving him the death look and a hushed child version of "get the hell up kid" bribing him with chocolate just to stand. and then there are those other times, you are getting compliments of all the shoppers because your child is so helpful putting the groceries on the belt, saying his please and thank yous and bless yous, asking people if they are ok when they cough and waving bye to everyone.
i've learned i actually do have some mommy instincts despite believing i was the antithesis of a mom. you know how some people are just born to get married and have babies? that wasn't me. i got married by a justice of the peace in my living room and had a baby because i felt like that's what i was supposed to do. not really society wise, i just felt it was my time. i'm not sure i even really wanted it until i lost one, then i was hellbent to prove i could do it. i still wanted him to stay in there as long as he could though-it's a frightening journey that mommyhood! i remember a guy i once knew told me he didn't think i'd be a very good mom. it was somewhat in jest as we were drinking and had a history of less than stellar behavior, but i do remember being surprised how much it cut me to the core. i still remember the bar stools we sat on and how i just looked down at my gin and tonic and then looked to my right and asked him if he was serious. just as surprised am i at the whole hearted happiness i embrace when someone says i'm a good mom. beautiful shmootiful. there truly is no better compliment than being told you're a good mom. especially if it comes from your child's father or your own mother. (because obviously she did a good job) when you feel like you're failing, and you realize you are not, there is peace. the instincts take you by surprise too. the instinct to just get up and go to your child crying at 3am when you are beyond tired and literally no other thing could get you out of bed but that child. the instinct that lets you hear the tiny whisper of "help me mommy" when they climbed something in a split second and can't get down. how you know when they are hurt and when they're not, how you know when they have to go to the doctor even though you feel like you don't know. no doubt you'll call your mother crying not knowing what to do at some point, but you know. you just know.
i've learned i'm not as patient as i thought i was. i perhaps still am more than others, but there often comes a point where i'm just done. whether he goes to his father, his room, i tune him out, yell, these moments are inevitable. and they surprised me too. i've heard your kid does 9 bad things, and then they do 1 that is soo amazing you forget the 9. what's even more amazing is that one thing could be so simple. it's not them bringing you breakfast or flowers or doing the dishes. it's the way they scratch their ear, or smush their face when they fall asleep or give you a hug and pat you on the back, or ask "you ok mommy?" or nod emphatically when you ask them if they love you. those moments are so priceless you can't help but ask yourself how you got so lucky. how come you got to have one when others can't? why is he healthy when others aren't? why do i get this time with him? what did i do to deserve this? and how can i keep it because by god, i'm in love with this child and when did this happen?
ironically, i think my favorite thing about my son are his little leggies as i like to say. they are so cute and muscular like a little baby gymnast. i'm so happy to see him growing up, i wasn't a very good baby person. seriously, what do you do with them? but i am sad to see those little leggies getting bigger. they're just so friggin cute. there are nights i throw rules to the wind after years of implementing them so that when he wakes up, i'll bring him to bed to selfishly hold him-he's just so darn cuddly-my own personal warm teddy bear. i know i'll kick myself for it later, but i don't care. i hope i remember what it feels like to not care when he's telling me he hates me. but for now he's not. and i'm going to soak up every second. he's amaaazing. he says amazing just like that too-it's amaaaazing. kids certainly do say the darndest things. and i need to keep track. if you happen to read and want to share a funny one please do to add to my collection. my still favorite of liam's was at church when the reader asked who else we should dedicate these prayers to and he said charlie brown. it makes me smile every time.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Friday, April 6, 2012
committed men
I recently had the privilege of watching a couple of men in serious relationships turn down the advances of a couple of pretty girls. well sort of. on tv. ok fine, if we're being honest, it was the battle of the exes on mtv. BUT it did bring up some very interesting social phenomena. so, the men that were in serious relationships while on the shows REALLY struggled to be around their ex or have to spend any sort of time with them. they assumed that if she was talking to him, she must want him-why else would a girl talk to a guy, right? clearly the only reason. and instead of politely, subtly, respectfully setting a boundary. i.e. i know it may seem silly, but i really love my girlfriend and just wouldn't feel comfortable if we go work out alone together (in the middle of nowhere romantic setting). no, no. waaay too hard. instead, they were straight up mean to the girls. like how dare this pretty girl be in my presence when i'm trying to be an awesome committed guy-if i cheat, it is totally her fault. they are not used to being hit on, used to turning girls away and certainly not skilled in the polite blow off. on the contrary, the girls on the show that were in relationships either effortlessly stayed committed while having male friendships or just went for the all out cheat-they were all in with either their boyfriend or the other guy-there's not really too many lines there. we can be far more diabolical than men, but we're generally pretty open about it.
which brings me to my experience at an auto shop just recently. shockingly the only girl there, at least 3 or 4 men felt the need to talk to me while waiting for my car. i thoroughly don't believe because i am this uber attractive girl or putting out any "please talk to me signs" i.e. cleavage. i was reading a book, a damn good book. most innocently brought up the lottery winnings and how excited they were, i did the polite 'haha' and went back to reading. others asked how much i loooove my hummer pick up truck. really? did you see the stickers on the car? "my other vehicle is an rg-31" multiple references to ied's blah blah blah. i know i'm a badass girl, but it obviously was not meant to be driven by me. i did the polite "well no i don't, but my husband does'' and not in the snotty way to just make clear i had a husband, i hate when girls say my husband like anyone who doesn't know about him crossed a line. it was just the truth, i wasn't annoyed or uncomfortable, he couldn't help but ask and i felt bad for him. my response really was aimed to make him feel better instead of saying "it's ok if you like the car, i don't have the answers on torque, towing capacity etc, but i'll be happy to forward on to my husband, rich, in case you meet up some day that you really liked his car, that will make him feel good-i won't mention the glance at the boobs-have a nice day!"
obviously there are exceptions to the rule. there are many men that have far superior social skills. but just wanted to tell you all to relax. we don't all want you, you don't have a chance with half the people you talk to, so save the time. enjoy who you have and tell her.
which brings me to my experience at an auto shop just recently. shockingly the only girl there, at least 3 or 4 men felt the need to talk to me while waiting for my car. i thoroughly don't believe because i am this uber attractive girl or putting out any "please talk to me signs" i.e. cleavage. i was reading a book, a damn good book. most innocently brought up the lottery winnings and how excited they were, i did the polite 'haha' and went back to reading. others asked how much i loooove my hummer pick up truck. really? did you see the stickers on the car? "my other vehicle is an rg-31" multiple references to ied's blah blah blah. i know i'm a badass girl, but it obviously was not meant to be driven by me. i did the polite "well no i don't, but my husband does'' and not in the snotty way to just make clear i had a husband, i hate when girls say my husband like anyone who doesn't know about him crossed a line. it was just the truth, i wasn't annoyed or uncomfortable, he couldn't help but ask and i felt bad for him. my response really was aimed to make him feel better instead of saying "it's ok if you like the car, i don't have the answers on torque, towing capacity etc, but i'll be happy to forward on to my husband, rich, in case you meet up some day that you really liked his car, that will make him feel good-i won't mention the glance at the boobs-have a nice day!"
obviously there are exceptions to the rule. there are many men that have far superior social skills. but just wanted to tell you all to relax. we don't all want you, you don't have a chance with half the people you talk to, so save the time. enjoy who you have and tell her.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
liam talk
so, i'm certainly an anxious mom when it comes to development. i let the kid eat on the floor, run in the mud, play chicken with the dogs, ride 4 wheelers and have faith that god has a plan for him, but if i think he's lagging behind-i can't help but freak a bit. in my monthly developmental reading, i was delighted to see at 22 months he only needed to say 20 words-no problem! (in no particular order)
1) uh oh--not sure if that counts as a first word, but that's what it was
2) thank you--yep, he said phrases before words-weirdo
3) light--don't even try to get him NOT to say this
4) bless you--my cup runneth over
5) dog
6) hot
7) more wan--this is water-not sure how it becomes wan, but it is
8) mucky/milky--this is milk and dad's fault for the nicknames
9) duck
10) elmo-a crowd fave
11) nite nite
12) uv you-this is rare, of course the best ones always are
13) you ok?--he stopped crying to ask if i was ok when i tripped, so sweet
14) yo-ho--referring to neverland pirates
15) monkey
16) mama/mommy
17) dada/papa/daddy
18) boppy--poppy (my dad)
19) na-na--my mom
20) gizeeee--grizzly
21) yo--yogi
22) banana
23) apple
24) no
25) stuck
26) up
27) down
28) on
29) off
30) nope
31) oh no
32) yup
33) hello
34) hi
35) bye
36) sock
37) shoe shoe-for some reason always plural, maybe because there are two?
38) one two-i try to explain these are two words, but so far no go
39) oh dear
40) nose
41) eyes
42) outside
43) fun
44) wow
45) la la--when singing
46) okey doke/ok
47) all done!
to be continued...
1) uh oh--not sure if that counts as a first word, but that's what it was
2) thank you--yep, he said phrases before words-weirdo
3) light--don't even try to get him NOT to say this
4) bless you--my cup runneth over
5) dog
6) hot
7) more wan--this is water-not sure how it becomes wan, but it is
8) mucky/milky--this is milk and dad's fault for the nicknames
9) duck
10) elmo-a crowd fave
11) nite nite
12) uv you-this is rare, of course the best ones always are
13) you ok?--he stopped crying to ask if i was ok when i tripped, so sweet
14) yo-ho--referring to neverland pirates
15) monkey
16) mama/mommy
17) dada/papa/daddy
18) boppy--poppy (my dad)
19) na-na--my mom
20) gizeeee--grizzly
21) yo--yogi
22) banana
23) apple
24) no
25) stuck
26) up
27) down
28) on
29) off
30) nope
31) oh no
32) yup
33) hello
34) hi
35) bye
36) sock
37) shoe shoe-for some reason always plural, maybe because there are two?
38) one two-i try to explain these are two words, but so far no go
39) oh dear
40) nose
41) eyes
42) outside
43) fun
44) wow
45) la la--when singing
46) okey doke/ok
47) all done!
to be continued...
Friday, September 9, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
coffee, electrocution and blood
so, i recently saw a fellow expectant FB friend concerned about what kind of future parent he will be. i knew i would not have the natural mommy instincts and had NO idea what i was doing, but i knew i wouldn't be horrible. i got the hang of it, as most of us do and think i know my kid amazingly well and what to expect. well, you're still gonna have curveballs. sometimes a few in a day.
the other day started off like any other day. i put liam in his high chair where he did not want to be. i was looking around for a distraction for him and grabbed the bag of coffee sitting behind him thinking there's no way he can open it. i set off to microwave his pancakes, and about 30 seconds later, i turn around to my coffee mouthed kid making a funny face. oops.
an hour or so later, he's playing with his night light. fascinated by the clicking of the on/off, he could play with it for hours. being the responsible parent i am, i took the night light out of the plug so he can click away. journey on into my office where the object of destruction is the air conditioner. he likes to turn it on and off so i of course tell him to stop. thinking i'm smart, i unplug it so he can again click away. you know how parents say they turn away for a second? yea, i did that. i turn on my computer, and i turn around to my son really screaming holding the plug next to the outlet. i can only assume electrocution.
ok, feeling like a poor mommy, day proceeds. lunch time, richie informs me liam has a very large booger in his left nostril that he won't let him get out. no problem! i'm his mom aka booger expert. well, apparently, it was a pretty stuck one-get it out and blood starts streaming out of his nose and he is screaming. oops. richie starts taking pictures and laughing saying he's just keeping them for court since i wounded my son. i didn't dare tell him about the coffee or electrocution. sometimes it's just not your day. or liam's-lol
the other day started off like any other day. i put liam in his high chair where he did not want to be. i was looking around for a distraction for him and grabbed the bag of coffee sitting behind him thinking there's no way he can open it. i set off to microwave his pancakes, and about 30 seconds later, i turn around to my coffee mouthed kid making a funny face. oops.
an hour or so later, he's playing with his night light. fascinated by the clicking of the on/off, he could play with it for hours. being the responsible parent i am, i took the night light out of the plug so he can click away. journey on into my office where the object of destruction is the air conditioner. he likes to turn it on and off so i of course tell him to stop. thinking i'm smart, i unplug it so he can again click away. you know how parents say they turn away for a second? yea, i did that. i turn on my computer, and i turn around to my son really screaming holding the plug next to the outlet. i can only assume electrocution.
ok, feeling like a poor mommy, day proceeds. lunch time, richie informs me liam has a very large booger in his left nostril that he won't let him get out. no problem! i'm his mom aka booger expert. well, apparently, it was a pretty stuck one-get it out and blood starts streaming out of his nose and he is screaming. oops. richie starts taking pictures and laughing saying he's just keeping them for court since i wounded my son. i didn't dare tell him about the coffee or electrocution. sometimes it's just not your day. or liam's-lol
Monday, August 29, 2011
weight-blah
so, i've recently had some friendly reminders that i should probably start exercising and eating better.
1) my husband said he would carry me upstairs at night if i weighed 130 (stemmed from me frequently getting sleepy downstairs and REALLY not wanting to walk upstairs)
2) my older sister weighs like 25 pounds less than me which is just weird
3) i have to stop smoking-like completely stop-in like the next 3 days so i can pass an upcoming test for work insurance which will probably add some pounds
4) i had this dream last night where my mom got mad at me because i wasn't losing weight which was also weird-i politely (well not really) informed her i was fine with my weight-which i am. i'm not fat, i'm not overweight, i have a healthy BMI blah blah blah, but i am getting older. and more tired. which is probably why i'm not exercising, but i know i would feel better if i did.
5) i told richie about my dream explaining i didn't know why i couldn't lose the 10 pounds before pregnancy. he nicely pointed out, losing weight usually involves exercise and/or diet, not just thought. sometimes the simplicity of men is refreshing.
i looked at my tummy this morning-remaining flab after pregnancy i should say. and i thought, man lipo would zap that right up. the fact that i even thought this is somewhat repulsive. and then i remember this fat lady on tv asking for lipo and the doctor told her it was really designed to be for after you got yourself in shape and just still had a trouble spot, not to take away weight. so i asked myself-is this really the best you can do?
the happiest times of my life have been when i was going to the gym 6 days a week. i also had no responsibility, no babies, no financial stress, no MS then sooo that might have to do with it. but i know i can do better.
so, i finished my white cheddar popcorn, grabbed two fun size snickers and did 20 push ups. it's a start.
1) my husband said he would carry me upstairs at night if i weighed 130 (stemmed from me frequently getting sleepy downstairs and REALLY not wanting to walk upstairs)
2) my older sister weighs like 25 pounds less than me which is just weird
3) i have to stop smoking-like completely stop-in like the next 3 days so i can pass an upcoming test for work insurance which will probably add some pounds
4) i had this dream last night where my mom got mad at me because i wasn't losing weight which was also weird-i politely (well not really) informed her i was fine with my weight-which i am. i'm not fat, i'm not overweight, i have a healthy BMI blah blah blah, but i am getting older. and more tired. which is probably why i'm not exercising, but i know i would feel better if i did.
5) i told richie about my dream explaining i didn't know why i couldn't lose the 10 pounds before pregnancy. he nicely pointed out, losing weight usually involves exercise and/or diet, not just thought. sometimes the simplicity of men is refreshing.
i looked at my tummy this morning-remaining flab after pregnancy i should say. and i thought, man lipo would zap that right up. the fact that i even thought this is somewhat repulsive. and then i remember this fat lady on tv asking for lipo and the doctor told her it was really designed to be for after you got yourself in shape and just still had a trouble spot, not to take away weight. so i asked myself-is this really the best you can do?
the happiest times of my life have been when i was going to the gym 6 days a week. i also had no responsibility, no babies, no financial stress, no MS then sooo that might have to do with it. but i know i can do better.
so, i finished my white cheddar popcorn, grabbed two fun size snickers and did 20 push ups. it's a start.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
sick babies
there is nothing worse than sick babies. i. hate. it. it's 9:30 and after a couple of hours of sad little cries and falling back to sleep, he finally let out that big one that only mommies can fix-if they're lucky. i'm sick too, so walking to the room is a chore, but once i'm in there it's like mommyhood totally takes over. my sole mission in life is to accomodate this tiny baby. he's not even that sick. he had a stomach flu and then an ear infection and now the other ear has an infection. it's not even the worst thing he's ever had after almost dying at birth a year ago. but it seems like the worst, and i want to fix it. i can't imagine if there was something seriously wrong. richie and i were watching swamp loggers and this guy is talking about how his little girl-maybe 3? was mauled by a dog and died. how he hopes she's looking at him proud with the other angels. are you serious? of course we're both fighting the tears thinking of liam. richie starts talking about how he couldn't even like dogs if that happened because he would be so angry. i ask, well what if he died of cancer? who would you be angry at? why i would ask this, i have no idea. i have thought vomit at times. so of course he starts talking about how he'd be mad at the doctors and break everything at the hospital and how he understands how people don't have kids because they have the ability to completely consume you. they can elate and devastate you. take the happiest moment of your life pre child and the most devastating break up you can imagine. now multiply each times a thousand and that is the emotion your child can cause you. i can honestly say i'd be okay if i died tomorrow. settle down co-workers, not suicidal. just saying, if i found out tomorrow i had a week left, i'd be okay with that. i've lived a full life. i've had some bad, i've had some good, and i have no regrets. i'd be more okay though if i could somehow have the assurance that the little guy would get to have a full life. i don't know how parents cope with it. i can't think of a better cause than place like st. jude. little people should never suffer. and i will spend as many days as i can making sure mine doesn't..until he like steals my car or something at 16, but totally till then:)
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