the diagnosis

well, i'm not sure how difficult this will be for me to write or whether this is the proper venue to do this.  i've never been one to be a secretive person, but i've always avoided overly sharing my stories.  we all have a story.  and i suppose this is just my current one.

it started a couple of weeks ago with some pretty bad back pain when i picked liam up out of his swing.  i've never been one to have my "back go out" so i thought it odd the extreme amount of pain i had the next 4 days.  whatever, pain goes away 4 days later, put him to bed and feel a pinch-no biggie, go to bed.....

thursday, wake up with my right side numb from the torso down-not numb like you think, numb like stab me with a fork and pinch me and i have no idea you're doing it-yea we tried it...hmmm....this progressed for about a week, went to a chiropractor and then the tingling began on the other side.   being that i was supposed to fly solo with liam for the first time the next day and not quite seeing that as a possibility with barely working legs, my stubborn self and doctor told me to go to the er right away....oh fine.

doctors sorta freaked out when i fail the cotton/wood test and send me for a lumbar/thoracic mri.  results-spinal lesion on t9-3 options: ms, spinal inflammation/infection caused by virus, or spinal cancer.  ammm-go virus? haven't been sick lately so they don't really take that as seriously and call down the neurologists-go through the same tests with countless docs-balance, strength etc-a zillion prick and iv's-straight up embarrassed to be seen as an addict with the insane amount of holes in my arms now...turns out i do have: tranverse myelitis-ok, i can handle that-fight it and get rid of it.  oh, but by the way your legs may never recover and may relapse again.  oh, and we're doing a brain/neck mri to rule out ms which can cause this virus.  well, that's just annoying.  i have balance, depth perception and full cognitive abilities.  wtf?

brain mri-horrendous does not begin to explain the experience i had or when i knew there was problem. anyway, get out 2 hours later, start crying, get discharged and get the call that i have ms...let me just say that again cause i just can't wrap my head around it yet.  i have ms.  i have a disability.  i don't know if i can bring another child in this world and if so, is that irresponsible?  and what do i tell liam why mommy is too tired to go to his baseball game?  my questions are beyond endless. have been in the hospital since getting daily steroid injections that let's just say are kickin my butt a bit and the weepiness factor.  i'll do this till friday in which i get one weekend off of sloth and debauchery before starting my lifelong treatment injections that will not allow me to eat unhealty, smoke, drink and MAY help avoid relapse.  oh, and they cost 20-30k a year!  double wtf...i have one of the most clear cut cases with brain lesions and a cyst that could cause problems later.

this is not a sympathy letter. this is a snapshot of a single day in life. this a blog, my blog to chronicle my life.  my two lives.  ms steph and liam's mom and the struggle blending them together.  more to come.