the good with the bad

i've been trying to think of a good "follow up" post which has proven tougher than my typical mindless writing.  i've always written as i've spoken aka it just blurts out, but i suppose this one takes a little more thought.  first off, i must reiterate my immense gratitude for the amaaaazing support i have gotten from endless places.  i feel a little silly with how many people are praying and thinking of me.  it's both surprising, humbling and at times feels undeserving.  yes, i have ms, but it is not a death sentence and i/we must remember this.  extra special thanks to my husband for taking care of liam soooo many times when i just couldn't over the past couple of weeks.

second, i've gotten tons of questions-some easy, some impossible.  how do i know it's ms, what are my symptoms, what are the treatments, am i ok, is my family ok, are you still working, what now, what's changed, where will i live, how's liam?   i think the easiest way to address it is just to explain what's happened-some of the good and some of the bad.

BAD-not feeling yet functioning from the torso down.  this is very difficult to describe to people.  depending on the day, this has been either no feeling at all, tingling asleep feeling, tightness, pain or just clumsiness. it most often feels extremely tight (called spasticity).  i compare it to wearing jeans, socks and shoes that are 10 sizes too tight-ironically, i wore very tight jeans, and they didn't hurt a bit! :)   i also compare it to doing a meditation exercise where they tell you to tighten every muscle in your body, even the ones you don't know you have, but instead of then saying relax-they tell you stay just like that for 4 weeks.  this is as a result from the lesion on my spine that is essentially short circuiting (a condition called transverse myelitis which is considered my first ms attack) that so happens to be caused from the many lesions on my brain (that make it a clear case of MS due to the amount, type and location)
GOOD-it's a clear cut case, and i don't have to spend years wondering what's wrong with me as many with ms often do.
BAD-hours of steroid infusions that result in my arms looking ridiculous from so many holes/bruises, lack of sleep, headaches, dizziness, nausea, EXHAUSTION, poor memory, depression, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, neck and shoulder aches.  it causes a general idiocy in a way.  i was talking to a friend/co-worker and was trying to succesfully use the word equates, but instead of just saying "it equates to..." it came out something like "it's equa-amm, equivalent, equivocates...i can't speak" note to self-if you have to do the infusions again, try not to be a smarty pants, and just say "it's like"
GOOD-they are over? side effects seem to be disappearing. i seem to have gotten some feeling in my stomach and back which i am very encouaraged by considering 80% of people don't fully recover from this type of attack.
BAD-i don't get to do as much for liam as i could before.  in general, dad gives him baths now and sorta follows me around in case i get too tired and have to hand him off.
GOOD-i enjoy liam more.  i have taken the "don't sweat the small stuff" as a way of life-not as even a conscious effort to try to be more relaxed and not the sweat the small stuff.  i just don't.  i.e. an apocalyptic baby poop that might have sent me spinning in a major new mom anxiety attack is now quite comical.  i. just. enjoy. him. more.  there is no other way to say it. 

as far as the future, working on finding the best treatment plan for me which will most likely entail daily injections plus potentially drastic nutrutional changes-oh and a crapload of vitamin d.  k, i think that's enough overload for one night.  must get sleep.  talk soon.