ms and mommyhood

so, i promised to update my life as a mom with ms.  i haven't exactly been very good at this, but i suppose ms awareness month is time for that.  i honestly think i'm in denial about both.  yes, i mean i know i'm a mom and have ms. the daily baby cries and shots are hard to forget.  but i'm not really good at either.  i am a really good mom when it comes to liam's needs.  i change diapers, do 2am feedings, make him healthier meals that i have, attend to every cry immediately and genuinely feel broken when he is sad.  it's kinda the fun part where i get a little lost.  i'm not sure if this is because of ms, because i'm still a little lost as a mom, or because i'm a girl.  i know i'm a fun girl-at least i know i was 10 years ago-lol-but i do really struggle to be silly.  i hear my husband sing creative hilarious nonsense songs.  i see him make funny faces and dance ridiculous dance moves if you can even call them that, and i'm jealous.  my time with liam usually involves following him around, taking him shopping or feeding him.  i'm seriously going to miss our times in the rocking chair when he starts drinking big boy milk. i don't know if it's the lack of energy or that i just genuinely don't know what to do with kids-richie thinks the latter.  my babysitting gigs were pretty much watching movies and making sure they didn't die.  any of you that know me know i don't like children.  i'm beginning to like children liam's age or younger since i sort of get them.  the rest, still too out of touch with.  my fear is that it's boring for liam.  there is no doubt that he will feel loved-he gets a mommy smile every time he looks at me no matter what and a hug any time.  but i really do struggle with the idea that i may not be a "good enough" aka energetic enough mother for him.  i really try not to think about ms or publicize that i have it (since being diagnosed).  i don't want anyone to think of me differently especially my son, and you know you do.  there is a sympathetic "ohh" or "aww" anytime someone finds out or asks how i'm doing. i was talking to my boss the other day during review and i asked if he had thought it would affect work.  he said kind of in a shocked way "honestly i forgot about the ms".  little did he know that was the best music to my ears i'd ever heard.  fortunately enough, it hasn't affected work.  or my cognition, mobility, vision etc.  i am so super lucky.  it's just the fear that can sometimes grab you.  the fear that i wouldn't be able to take care of my son instead of not knowing how to.