richie and i wheel up to see him-i try to fight back the tears as we go into the nicu-it was not a happy place to be...i hear a cry, and i know it's my sons-weird...i'm educated on the sign in, clean hands policy...we walk in, and i hold his tiny little finger on his right hand-left hand has an iv in it which is like the saddest sight ever coupled with this plastic hood that helps him breathe since he still can't...we name him liam, he goes to sleep and i get the hell out of there. back to room and they tell me i have to pee-can't so they put in a catheter-epidural fully gone by now and NOT a fun experience after birth...i spend the next 5 hours recovering from the mental and physical exhaustion. go to see the kid at 9pm after i pump for the first time because i'm told i have to do both. too depressing. back to room. sleep-just wanna sleep.
i didn't know that after birth they come in your room every couple of hours for your vitals and obligatory uterus check-the books don't say that. between trying to pump every couple of hours (only to get a drop) and nurses or meal staff coming in my room every couple of hours, i wondered if i would ever sleep again. that's all i wanted-i didn't feel like a mom-i felt vaguely like the shell of steph except that i just wanted to be alone and sleep. so for the next couple of days, i would go to nicu and check on my little man although i never really felt like it. i wasn't attached yet. i was in a lot of pain, more than i expected. i thought you were sore for a couple of days and move on. not so much. or so short. my feet were huge-i mean HUGE! i was lucky enough not to swell throughout pregnancy-apparently it was just waiting to meet in my feet for the next week. didn't help that i was on my feet too much going to visit liam multiple times a day. the nurse would call me when he needed to eat, i'd try to nurse, i'd fail and go pump. eat, sleep, repeat. he got his hood off the second day which was cool, third day got iv off and i finally held him.
sitting in the chair holding him i finally fell in love. he seemed so content and at peace in my arms, i couldn't help it. i just stared at him. from then on, i was in nicu every second practically-still didn't have quite the love attachment that i thought i should, but i certainly had the protective instinct. i think if someone came dangerously near him, i probably would have swatted like a bear. day 4, he was finally eating enough and going to the bathroom enough, so he could go home soon but not yet. going home without him was a very surreal experience that still seems too unfamiliar to write about. day 5, i was allowed to stay with him after he was circumcised. almost wished i hadn't-he was in so much pain, and i still felt so overwhelmed and clueless, it was pretty rough. fortunately, richie was calm and patient when i couldn't be.
we FINALLY take the guy home, i finally get to put my feet up, he's nursing and it's time to start the family. i'm relieved, exhausted, confused and still in a lot of pain which is making me cranky. slightly less cranky than pregnancy but too emotional for my liking. i spent the next couple of weeks crying over stupid things. i'm rational enough to know it's hormones but hate how paranoid i am over accidentally hurting this kid-i'm still amazed i've kept him alive this long with how clueless i was. i had an intense fear of dropping him and anything could make me burst into tears if i let it. i put up a pretty good front-richie got the brunt of it as usual. at the two week mark, i questioned if it was hormones or post partum. conclusion-hormones, just a little longer than two weeks. however, i definitely did not get confidence in being a mom until about 8 weeks. it was a huge turning point. i stopped saying "i'm tired" 10 times a day and felt a trace of normalcy in being a mom. i felt i could go out with liam and not fall apart. i started walking, he started sleeping through the night and the rest is history. we're almost at 14 weeks now, and i can honestly say i'd be excited if i was pregnant again tomorrow. he is my best buddy and by far the best part of my day. his little squeals make me elated and his cries hurt my heart. l.p.m is here to stay.
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